Dead letter office

Through Mitali Saran’s weekly column Stet, I discover a source of much fine comedy: the reader email on the website Death Clock. For the uninitiated, Death Clock, which calls itself the “Internet’s friendly reminder that life is slipping away”, tells you the exact date on which you’re going to die, based on basic personal details (age, weight, body mass index and suchlike) and depending on what “mode (normal/pessimistic/sadistic) you select.

Needless to say, some people have taken this morbid little game very, very seriously and sent dollops of hate-mail to the site’s creator. Also needless to say, among the funniest are the ones written by the Rabid Religious. Some of my favourites (typos/spelling mistakes retained from original):

Playing with peoples lives is not a joke. You're trying to gods job. It frightens me that there is someone out there that considers death a joke. I do feel sorry for you though. Seeing as how on judgement day you will have to stand in front of the lord knowing that you have made a mochary of his job.

and

And yeah, just for your information, only God in heaven can decide when we will die and how long we will live. And there is no need to scare people off like this!

See, that’s one of the great things about religion – it turns people into self-righteous, humourless blobs of fulminating mucus, which means loads of fun for the rest of us, the Walking Damned.

I also love this one:

We came across your Death Clock web site via our 15 year old daughter and we are very unhappy that you are disturbing her and her friends. In their eyes you are propagating the truth about their own mortality which is making them anxious.

Enjoy the archives.